Dear Optifast,
Made up one of your "delicious meal replacements" this evening. Your " Chocolate Dessert".
I made it up according to instructions, in a Tupperware shaker. I poured it into a lovely china bowl, as aesthetics do matter - especially when on a strict regime.
I covered it in clingfilm and popped it in the fridge for 10 mins. This was as long as I could wait as I was starving hungry.
I have been living on your Chicken Soups ( fairly okay for a dried product - nutritionally sound more importantly says my nutritionist) and the chocolate brownieish bars ( okay with coffee and long as you nibble slowly).
I have tried other products - and even hungry I could not eat some of them - some of your competitors' bars are quite inedible. My nutritionist says she eats them happily all the time and I am just fussy. I politely disagree.
At last, after 10 mins, I took the bowl from the fridge, removed the film, sat down and dipped my spoon. The first mouthful was....slimy, salty and vaguely cardboardy. Is there really chocolate in there? Egg white? It was awful. Inedible.
I offered it to my husband - not a great waster of food. One spoonful. Nop. He would not - could not eat it. Slimy and sticky and not nice - floury.
Our children tried it - yeugh & stink
The dogs came next - we have three. This was before their dinner. Not one would eat it - two sniffed and backed away, one licked and walked away and this was the dog who ate a four day dead goldfish that had been floating in the pond.
Why is it so bad? The milkshake is okay, the bars are okay - but the dessert? More bitter choc flavour & lighter texture perhaps?
Me? I am happy to be a good cook, and a fussy eater with the same instincts as a rottengoldfish eating toy poodle.
I had Optifast Chicken Soup. After all, the dog eats the bit I leave "for the angels"....
Monday, August 23, 2010
Lap Band In - Day One
I have actually done it. I am the proud owner of a lap band. I stopped my metformin yesterday. I am not hungry. I have other things going on in there - one new feeling too. But no hunger.
Can't burp. Tried. Can't. Gets to sternum and stops - ah, but does a sneaky. It goes away quietly quietly. You forget, too late. It emerges triumphant as an enormous fart. Inoffensive really as farts go, but a fart none the less. I had my Lapband less than 24 hrs when I worked out this new mechanism.
The bruising is going to be a doozy, the poor theatre staff also had to use pink stuff instead of iodine( I am allergic) - and I looked impressive post-op. All strawberry pink & swollen bellied. Very attractive.
I am also allergic to latex.
How did I find that one out?
Which form of contraceptive is made of latex?
ah ha
Anyway, you go first or lastinto theatre, everything is covered up & gloves are vinyl etc. All dressings are checked for latex. The interesting thing I found out this time is that if you are allergic to latex you should avoid the following foods:
Oranges,pineapples, grapefruit, bananas, avocadoes, mangoes & most other citrus fruits.
So now,
No bread, no pastry, no rice, no pasta, no citrus, no dairy (except live yogurt)no pineapple, no grapefruit, no bananas, no mangoes, no avocadoes - and I already cannot eat egg yolk. Maybe I am just meant to have tha lapband after all!
Can't burp. Tried. Can't. Gets to sternum and stops - ah, but does a sneaky. It goes away quietly quietly. You forget, too late. It emerges triumphant as an enormous fart. Inoffensive really as farts go, but a fart none the less. I had my Lapband less than 24 hrs when I worked out this new mechanism.
The bruising is going to be a doozy, the poor theatre staff also had to use pink stuff instead of iodine( I am allergic) - and I looked impressive post-op. All strawberry pink & swollen bellied. Very attractive.
I am also allergic to latex.
How did I find that one out?
Which form of contraceptive is made of latex?
ah ha
Anyway, you go first or lastinto theatre, everything is covered up & gloves are vinyl etc. All dressings are checked for latex. The interesting thing I found out this time is that if you are allergic to latex you should avoid the following foods:
Oranges,pineapples, grapefruit, bananas, avocadoes, mangoes & most other citrus fruits.
So now,
No bread, no pastry, no rice, no pasta, no citrus, no dairy (except live yogurt)no pineapple, no grapefruit, no bananas, no mangoes, no avocadoes - and I already cannot eat egg yolk. Maybe I am just meant to have tha lapband after all!
Hospital, Weigh In & Pee
Hospital
I even had to get blood test BEFORE I got here. Fortunately I was allowed to eat before 6am so I ate my last (ha!) Optifast chocolate bar & a big coffee at 5.45am. At 7.45am I was having blood tests. At 9.30am I was in hospital. At 10am we were in a bookshop as I had forgotten all reading material. 10.30am back in hospital having a shower with their lovely sponge full of disinfectant. By the way don't use this to clean the more "sensitive" areas of your body. Stings like nettles & needs lots of rinsing.
Gown VOLUMINOUS. Must have been expecting sumo wrestler. Maybe I sound larger on the phone. I know I am fat - but I am 93kg not 193kg. Put on my own pale pink cotton knickers. I am NOT wearing paper tie-ons - not again.
Get weighed = have lost 4.5kg on diet. Nearly fall off scales. Make poor nurse double check. Must have been all that peeing. Did I mention the peeing? The last two weeks I peed and peed and peed. and it smelt a little odd. Not nasty or asparagus bad - but a bit feraly musty. Normal apparently. Go figure.
Did a wee victory dance. So now I am 88.5kg. Still 155cm tall thankyou - would have been a bugger if I had shrunk! Could do with a coffee and something to eat...
See anaethetist. Funny chap. Gives me sedative. Fantastic stuff. I blab away like a fool all the way into theatre. Get the giggles getting onto table. Tell everyone how lovely they are and tankyou tankyou....out.
Wake up. Elephant has stomped on stomach. Where elephant is kept on premises I have no idea but this problem keeps my mind occupied and related thoughts of "Ice Age 3" until I realise where I am. Right shoulder is a bit sore - as they warned - but not painful. Thirsty - but not nauseous. Got to love GAs.
Rest of day asleep. BP checks, painkillers - just paracetemol - there was just discomfort not real pain - just surgical twinges. Mostly slept. suspect I snored a bit......
Wake up next morning to a cup of tea and the papers and a lovely fa'a'fine nurse AND NO HUNGER.
I even had to get blood test BEFORE I got here. Fortunately I was allowed to eat before 6am so I ate my last (ha!) Optifast chocolate bar & a big coffee at 5.45am. At 7.45am I was having blood tests. At 9.30am I was in hospital. At 10am we were in a bookshop as I had forgotten all reading material. 10.30am back in hospital having a shower with their lovely sponge full of disinfectant. By the way don't use this to clean the more "sensitive" areas of your body. Stings like nettles & needs lots of rinsing.
Gown VOLUMINOUS. Must have been expecting sumo wrestler. Maybe I sound larger on the phone. I know I am fat - but I am 93kg not 193kg. Put on my own pale pink cotton knickers. I am NOT wearing paper tie-ons - not again.
Get weighed = have lost 4.5kg on diet. Nearly fall off scales. Make poor nurse double check. Must have been all that peeing. Did I mention the peeing? The last two weeks I peed and peed and peed. and it smelt a little odd. Not nasty or asparagus bad - but a bit feraly musty. Normal apparently. Go figure.
Did a wee victory dance. So now I am 88.5kg. Still 155cm tall thankyou - would have been a bugger if I had shrunk! Could do with a coffee and something to eat...
See anaethetist. Funny chap. Gives me sedative. Fantastic stuff. I blab away like a fool all the way into theatre. Get the giggles getting onto table. Tell everyone how lovely they are and tankyou tankyou....out.
Wake up. Elephant has stomped on stomach. Where elephant is kept on premises I have no idea but this problem keeps my mind occupied and related thoughts of "Ice Age 3" until I realise where I am. Right shoulder is a bit sore - as they warned - but not painful. Thirsty - but not nauseous. Got to love GAs.
Rest of day asleep. BP checks, painkillers - just paracetemol - there was just discomfort not real pain - just surgical twinges. Mostly slept. suspect I snored a bit......
Wake up next morning to a cup of tea and the papers and a lovely fa'a'fine nurse AND NO HUNGER.
Just Pre-Op - Doubts & Death
The night before the op is a Sunday. A girlfriend is arriving at 6am to drive me to the hospital. I have get blood tests done at a local Lab at 8am fo my surgery at 12 noon. We should make it just fine.
This is my first non emergency, elective surgery. I was filling in all my forms earlier in the week and we were transferring the money (gulp) and I realised that before I had children I had been in hospital twice. Both A&E. Once with a dislocated knee and once with a broken toe. Since my first C-Section I have had about a dozen procedures - all needing doing and a couple which saved my life.
Made me wonder about plastic surgery. Why would anyone do it? In weak moments of self indulgent in the bathroom with the door locked vanity, I have pulled eyelid skin and wobbled my wattle. I have wondered about halfmoon lifts on the boobs, apronectomies, and "freshen-ups" on the cheekbones - you know, those ones they do with the little hooks under the skin & puuuuuulll. Take more than a few tenterhooks for me. I could never do surgery for FUN.
I always say to my gorgeous husband that he has to live with me as living with him ruined my looks - he has a good chuckle as I always claim that I have had the best of him - his 20's, his 30's and now his 40's! Fair exchange. Anyway. It would take far too much bother to train a new husband - I just don't have the spare 6 weeks.
My insecurities about dying on the table were NOT helped by my beloved asking over coffee and the Sunday papers if he could have the password for my Internet banking -"You know, just in case.."
"In case of what, sweetie?"
" In case you stay in hospital longer than we expect.."
" What, like 3 days instead of overnight?"
"No, longer..."
" 4 days?"
"Just in case, you er, um, ...."
" I er, um, WHAT, darling?"
"You know, in case..."
" I shall take it all with me, just for that." (yep all $254)
"Don't be like that, I'm just being sensible."
"Goulish. It's on my mobile under your Grandma's maiden name, all lowercase."
"What?"
" Ask your Mum."
I have decided not to die - but over a dozen ops in 15 years is pushing it, I know that God loves me, and after 15 successful ops he must love me alot - and I am his little sunbeam and I am grateful - but I don't take it for granted. So I write a quick update on the will, love letters to my children & beloved, make meals for the week do all outstanding laundry, change the beds, clean the fridge, tidy the pantry sort my underwear drawer, clean out the medicine cupboard, weed the veggie patches and givethe apple snails a big piece of cucumber. On the way to the hospital I realise I forget that the oven is dirty - ah well.
This is my first non emergency, elective surgery. I was filling in all my forms earlier in the week and we were transferring the money (gulp) and I realised that before I had children I had been in hospital twice. Both A&E. Once with a dislocated knee and once with a broken toe. Since my first C-Section I have had about a dozen procedures - all needing doing and a couple which saved my life.
Made me wonder about plastic surgery. Why would anyone do it? In weak moments of self indulgent in the bathroom with the door locked vanity, I have pulled eyelid skin and wobbled my wattle. I have wondered about halfmoon lifts on the boobs, apronectomies, and "freshen-ups" on the cheekbones - you know, those ones they do with the little hooks under the skin & puuuuuulll. Take more than a few tenterhooks for me. I could never do surgery for FUN.
I always say to my gorgeous husband that he has to live with me as living with him ruined my looks - he has a good chuckle as I always claim that I have had the best of him - his 20's, his 30's and now his 40's! Fair exchange. Anyway. It would take far too much bother to train a new husband - I just don't have the spare 6 weeks.
My insecurities about dying on the table were NOT helped by my beloved asking over coffee and the Sunday papers if he could have the password for my Internet banking -"You know, just in case.."
"In case of what, sweetie?"
" In case you stay in hospital longer than we expect.."
" What, like 3 days instead of overnight?"
"No, longer..."
" 4 days?"
"Just in case, you er, um, ...."
" I er, um, WHAT, darling?"
"You know, in case..."
" I shall take it all with me, just for that." (yep all $254)
"Don't be like that, I'm just being sensible."
"Goulish. It's on my mobile under your Grandma's maiden name, all lowercase."
"What?"
" Ask your Mum."
I have decided not to die - but over a dozen ops in 15 years is pushing it, I know that God loves me, and after 15 successful ops he must love me alot - and I am his little sunbeam and I am grateful - but I don't take it for granted. So I write a quick update on the will, love letters to my children & beloved, make meals for the week do all outstanding laundry, change the beds, clean the fridge, tidy the pantry sort my underwear drawer, clean out the medicine cupboard, weed the veggie patches and givethe apple snails a big piece of cucumber. On the way to the hospital I realise I forget that the oven is dirty - ah well.
Final Two Weeks
I am not going to bore everyone with the details of my descent into madness and the hell of the final two weeks.... I will just give you the highlights where I went from quite nice mum and wife to complete bitch through lack of food........
Feeding Small Dogs:
Never been a problem before. Dog food now becomes more meaty and casseroley. I feed ours a mixture of Beneful & Pouched. Beneful Healthy life comes in little popcorn sized pieces. Meat colour. Veggie Colour. Corn Colour. The dogs have them as treaties. God help me, one ended up in my mouth. I crunched. I tasted. I swallowed. I had some water. It wasn't that bad. Shame stopped me from eating more - I also looked on the bag for a kilojoule count. Seems dogs don't count kilojoules. I confessed this minor "cheat" to the nutritionist. There was silence at the other end of the phone.
"You still there?"
"A dog biscuit?"
" Just one, very little one..."
A loooong silence
"Let's move on shall we? How has the rest of the week been?"
Cravings:
After the first week the hunger does abate a bit - just a little bit. I discovered a craving for apples. And bacon sandwiches. My husband was hoping it would be sex. How or why would he think that? Why would anyone hungry instrantly think " oh, I am sooo hungry, but I cannot eat. I know, I will have sex and root like a rattlesnake instead."
Where was I? Oh yes, Bacon sandwiches.
2 slices Vogels spelt & rye toast, one lightly buttered, the other smeared with Colmans English mustard.
4 slices of eye shoulder bacon ( Freedom Farms) slightly overdone & crispy
I pot of assam tea, no milk, no sugar. There you go - The Perfect Sunday Breakfast.
Unfortunately, little babies begin to look edible too, and I can see things now from the vampires point of view. Zombies are terribly misunderstood - brains would be delicious....
Temper:
Short.
"Do as you are told."
" No discussion!"
"Nice Mummy is on holiday!"
"Don't FUSS with ME sweetie!"
"I am not in the mood."
" Don't even THINK of eating my soup"
" It would be cruel to make me make your dinner"
"Bugger off/ sod off /go away/ don't/ leave me alone/ aaaargh/ I'm hungry"
Headaches:
Lots of headaches. But this is normal- I asked. I have had no dizziness, or lightheadedness. I just drink a small glass of water every hour or so and take paracetemol. Still want chocolate - so still normal there.
Type 2 Diabetes:
By the 2nd week my Metformin is down to one x 500mg at night - from 3 x 500mg per day. Not bad.
Other Health Benefits:
I have to admit that not eating bread and carbohydrates ( I cannot call them "carbs" I am not a bodybuilder) - potatoes, rice and pasta, I do feel better. God, that hurts to say. My sinuses have all cleared and my IBS has vanished. Bugger. I am pleased and appalled all at the same time. It means NO naughty little bits of ice cream EVER. NO cream EVER. NO cheese ( and I only ate feta). It means NO bread, no rice, no pasta .....but no sinus pain and no revolting stomach pains. Ah well.
Onwards.
Feeding Small Dogs:
Never been a problem before. Dog food now becomes more meaty and casseroley. I feed ours a mixture of Beneful & Pouched. Beneful Healthy life comes in little popcorn sized pieces. Meat colour. Veggie Colour. Corn Colour. The dogs have them as treaties. God help me, one ended up in my mouth. I crunched. I tasted. I swallowed. I had some water. It wasn't that bad. Shame stopped me from eating more - I also looked on the bag for a kilojoule count. Seems dogs don't count kilojoules. I confessed this minor "cheat" to the nutritionist. There was silence at the other end of the phone.
"You still there?"
"A dog biscuit?"
" Just one, very little one..."
A loooong silence
"Let's move on shall we? How has the rest of the week been?"
Cravings:
After the first week the hunger does abate a bit - just a little bit. I discovered a craving for apples. And bacon sandwiches. My husband was hoping it would be sex. How or why would he think that? Why would anyone hungry instrantly think " oh, I am sooo hungry, but I cannot eat. I know, I will have sex and root like a rattlesnake instead."
Where was I? Oh yes, Bacon sandwiches.
2 slices Vogels spelt & rye toast, one lightly buttered, the other smeared with Colmans English mustard.
4 slices of eye shoulder bacon ( Freedom Farms) slightly overdone & crispy
I pot of assam tea, no milk, no sugar. There you go - The Perfect Sunday Breakfast.
Unfortunately, little babies begin to look edible too, and I can see things now from the vampires point of view. Zombies are terribly misunderstood - brains would be delicious....
Temper:
Short.
"Do as you are told."
" No discussion!"
"Nice Mummy is on holiday!"
"Don't FUSS with ME sweetie!"
"I am not in the mood."
" Don't even THINK of eating my soup"
" It would be cruel to make me make your dinner"
"Bugger off/ sod off /go away/ don't/ leave me alone/ aaaargh/ I'm hungry"
Headaches:
Lots of headaches. But this is normal- I asked. I have had no dizziness, or lightheadedness. I just drink a small glass of water every hour or so and take paracetemol. Still want chocolate - so still normal there.
Type 2 Diabetes:
By the 2nd week my Metformin is down to one x 500mg at night - from 3 x 500mg per day. Not bad.
Other Health Benefits:
I have to admit that not eating bread and carbohydrates ( I cannot call them "carbs" I am not a bodybuilder) - potatoes, rice and pasta, I do feel better. God, that hurts to say. My sinuses have all cleared and my IBS has vanished. Bugger. I am pleased and appalled all at the same time. It means NO naughty little bits of ice cream EVER. NO cream EVER. NO cheese ( and I only ate feta). It means NO bread, no rice, no pasta .....but no sinus pain and no revolting stomach pains. Ah well.
Onwards.
Liver Fat Reduction Regime
This pre op diet has to be the worst part of the whole experience. I cannot believe that the operation is worse than this.
No offense to "Optifast" - the chicken soup is passable, the chocolate bars just edible - with good coffee ( and a lot of it) - but the rest? I made up the chocolate milkshake. Yeugh. Perhaps it is because I don't drink milk normally, but there was a strong porrigey thing going on.
I persevere. Chocolate bar for breakfast. I get my fluids by drinking a pot of politically correct, organic, picked by virgin princesses of the Borneo jungle arabica coffee. I snaffle 500mls of veggie soup at 10.30am. 1pm - I am swirling Optifast soup in in big red soup mug with renewed admiration for astronauts and their ability to eat reconstituted dried space food rations.
Eat 6 Eclipse sugar free mints cleaning out the spare room. I now have a nice little office space in the corner.
4pm Offspring home. Another 500mls of veggie soup as they have cheese & crackers, fruit ( crunchy Rose apples, bananas, packham pears......).
Empty dishwashers, avoid kitchen.
5pm Husband home - makes dinner from ingredients laid out - I have ANOTHER chicken soup whilst he cooks and go into other living room whilst everyone sits down to eat.
Stomach growls, howls, sobs, whines....
8.30pm Have 99% fat free 4.2g yoghurt.
My bloody liver better look like a ten year old vegetarians.
No offense to "Optifast" - the chicken soup is passable, the chocolate bars just edible - with good coffee ( and a lot of it) - but the rest? I made up the chocolate milkshake. Yeugh. Perhaps it is because I don't drink milk normally, but there was a strong porrigey thing going on.
I persevere. Chocolate bar for breakfast. I get my fluids by drinking a pot of politically correct, organic, picked by virgin princesses of the Borneo jungle arabica coffee. I snaffle 500mls of veggie soup at 10.30am. 1pm - I am swirling Optifast soup in in big red soup mug with renewed admiration for astronauts and their ability to eat reconstituted dried space food rations.
Eat 6 Eclipse sugar free mints cleaning out the spare room. I now have a nice little office space in the corner.
4pm Offspring home. Another 500mls of veggie soup as they have cheese & crackers, fruit ( crunchy Rose apples, bananas, packham pears......).
Empty dishwashers, avoid kitchen.
5pm Husband home - makes dinner from ingredients laid out - I have ANOTHER chicken soup whilst he cooks and go into other living room whilst everyone sits down to eat.
Stomach growls, howls, sobs, whines....
8.30pm Have 99% fat free 4.2g yoghurt.
My bloody liver better look like a ten year old vegetarians.
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